as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
