How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
