I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
