Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
