i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
