Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
