P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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