Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
