If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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