I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
