Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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