I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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