sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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