his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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