shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
