Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
