The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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