Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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