drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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