I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
