I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
