Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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