my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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