Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
