Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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