I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
