maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
