Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
