The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
