I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
