so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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