Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
