The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I didn't notice because vodka
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
