He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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