I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
