Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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