Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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