you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
