i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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