I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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