Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
