Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
