Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need to sanitize my soul.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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