Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize