At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
