dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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