There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
