At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize