the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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