god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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