eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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