Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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