i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
