Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
