you would pick up someone in the library
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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