Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
