I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
