Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
