Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
