I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
