I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
