I just threw up on my dentist
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
