remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
