Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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