I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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