I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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