in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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