I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
