They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize