then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You made out with two different species that night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
