I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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