For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
